SORRY: Operation ID Interviews Operation ID
Five-man band Operation ID is April’s featured artist. It’s April Fool’s Day and it appears, sadly, that the joke is on us:
We made the mistake of allowing “Op ID” to conduct their own interview for their feature spot. In return, we received a litany of bloviation, unpublishable lewdness, brainless chuckling, and little to no insight into their creative process. It’s a wonder they managed to somehow send us a recording of their discuess, let alone orchestrate and perform complicated prog jazz.
For your sake, roughly 50% of the interview was redacted. However, we can still guarantee bewilderment at the moronic tapestry they’ve twisted out below. Our apologies in advance.
OPERATION ID INTERVIEWS OPERATION ID
PART I: EASTER BREAKFAST WITH IVAN
David Balatero: We’re doing this Operation ID interview right now. We’re gonna ask you one question.
Ivan Arteaga: O.K.
DB: What did you have for breakfast?
IA: Ohhh — this is a good question. I went to my mother’s. There was prosciutto, three different kinds of cheeses, cheddar, uhhh — there were some French bakery croissants, like, almond and chocolate croissants, marionberry… My mom made two quiches: One was a Lorraine style — classic — and the other was a goat cheese quiche.
DB: What’s in a Lorraine?
IA: A Lorraine is just a classic quiche. It’s—
DB: I know it’s a classic, but—
IA: It’s cheese and ham and egg and… quiche.
DB: Right. Right.
IA: I don’t really know what else is in it. Oh! There was also smoked salmon, capers and cream cheese with Italian-style bread that my grandma made.
DB: Ooh.
IA: It was really a pretty excellent Easter breakfast.
DB: That sounds really good. Thank you for your time, Ivan.
PART II: DAVID DISCUSSES SLAP
Rob Hanlon: David.
David Balatero: Yeah?
RH: This is for the Operation ID interview.
DB: Yes.
RH: Tell us about your favorite slap bass techniques.
DB: Well, personally I think really the most revolutionary thing is the thumb stroke where you follow through to the next string and bounce back, enabling you to get two thumb strokes much like a guitar pick.
RH: Oh.
DB: It really improves the efficiency and facility with which you can execute slap bass lines. I think that’s my favorite technique.
RH: Have you used it on any recordings?
DB: No.
PART III: EVAN’S REGIMEN
Rob Hanlon: This is for the Operation ID interview. Tell us about your exercise regimen.
Evan: My exercise regimen — well uhh… I go running until I start to cough up, you know, all the shit that I was eating the previous day and then I stop and take a picture of whatever is next to me, put it on Instagram, do a push up while it’s uploading, then run back home. Then, however many likes I get on that picture, I’ll do that many sit-ups. Then, if I have some extra time before Game of Thrones comes on I’ll do some pushups, perhaps.
RB: That’s great!
Evan: Yeah.
PART IV: JARED’S WINNINGS
David Balatero: Jared, I don’t see you around as often these days. I’m wondering what you do on a daily basis.
Jared Borkowski: That’s an excellent question. Allow me to get into that for you. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the Puyallup Casino — mainly because I’ve been winning. Sometimes I’ll hit the circuit and I’ll hit up Muckleshoot or perhaps the Emerald Queen.
DB: What’s your favorite casino?
JB: Definitely Puyallup. That’s my home base. But, when the Puyallup fair comes to town, I am OUT of there. Not going to do it.
DB: How much have you won gambling this year?
JB: About thirty thousand.
DB: What are you going to buy with it?
JB: I’m not sure. I was thinking about buying something for Rob. Don’t tell him. I don’t know what he wants.
DB: I’m going to switch this interview over — Rob, what would you like Jared to buy you the most with those 30,000 dollars?
RH: Well, I’ve had this long-running fantasy about how Jared and I are going to get a boat together. I don’t know what kind of boat — I never really thought about it. I just thought I’d leave that up to Jared.
DB: Is it going to have a rope in it for, like, tying up to the dock?
RH: No.
JB: The rope is for tying each other up.
DB: Like in the cabin?
JB: How’d you know that?
DB: I’ve been reading his cabin boy fan fic.
RH: Oh yeah, the cabin boy tumblr. Yeah, ever since I started reading Jared’s cabin boy tumblr about his experiences as a cabin boy when he was younger, you know, like, in between the time he was in The Spitlicks and when he started going to U-Dub, he was a cabin boy. He was actually, uh, he worked for Captain Hook, and that was cool, because it turns out that his hook is actually flesh — and it’s not metal! I mean, people think that it’s a metal hook but it’s actually a flesh hook and he was just born that way. He didn’t lose his hand or anything
DB: That’s just how it is.
RH: That’s how it is to be Captain Hook. He’s misunderstood because most people have hands.
PART V: ROB’S NAMES
Jared Borkowski: Rob, this is for the Operation ID interview.
Rob Hanlon: Yeah.
JB: I’d like to list off several nicknames that have been going around for you and see what your thoughts or reactions are about them.
RH: O.K., good.
JB: O.K. — Ham Hanlon?
RH: Well that’s obvious. Both my parents are hams.
J.B.: O.K. — Cranberry Rob?
RH: The thing is, when I’m growing, I grow in shallow water — like cranberries.
David Balatero: What about when you’re not growing?
RH: Well, um…
DB: Don’t answer that question.
RH: O.K.
JB: And Flop Manhandle?
RH: That has to do with the love handles I’m trying to get rid of. I’m trying to practice these things called “Fork Putdowns” where it’s like I don’t eat so much. The flop has to do with the Fosbury Flop.
JB: And how do you feel about these names emotionally?
RH: I feel good.
No Fooling: For the month of April you can buy a physical copy of “Legs” — Operation ID’s astonishing debut outing — for a mere $5.00! Head over to their slot on the Table & Chairs online shop to pick up your copy today